if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
Randomize
