I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
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