I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
