The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Randomize
