I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Randomize
