Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
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