New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Sext me about skeletons
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Randomize