i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize
