so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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