so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Randomize
