I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
