Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
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