can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize
