Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
Randomize
