And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
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