I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I think my fart just growled at me.
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
