I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Randomize
