Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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