They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Randomize
