Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
