I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Randomize
