totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
Randomize
