i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Randomize
