Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
Did you just see the Batmobile???
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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