Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
