Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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