If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I love you. Go after that dick
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Randomize
