I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
My balls are so social today.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Randomize
