why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
