textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Randomize
