You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Randomize
