It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
