making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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