I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Randomize
