just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
