i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
Randomize