his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize
