Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
this boner is exhausting
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
Randomize