I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
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