i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
I think I have vodka in my lungs
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
Randomize
