i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Randomize