You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
two words...techno handjob
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
