he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
Can you bring me the toilet please
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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