I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Randomize
