Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Randomize