She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
