I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Randomize
