Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
Randomize
