you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
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