Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
