I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
