His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
