Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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