at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
