you're like a bully in the Christmas story
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
Randomize
