I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
