my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
Randomize