one word: firstdatebathroomanal
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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