just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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