oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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