i already hear my dad disowning me
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
